Is there any such thing as happiness?
Is there truly such a thing as happiness? I don't think I am unhappy. In fact, if someone asks how I feel, I usually don't have a response. I truly don't know how I feel. Most of the time it never occurs to me that I should know either way.
I'm a guy, so life is kinda simple. If I eat, get enough sleep, spend some time with my wife, and have regular BM's, I am at peace with my body...I guess anyway.
Pretentious people smile all the time. I don't trust them, nor do I understand them. Superficial people laugh and smile while I see through them. But everyone on Earth seems either pretentious or superficial to me. I can't help but see it.
Most of them would rather I keep to myself that I see them as they are. But that makes me the same as them, and I just can't do it. My face will always betray my otherwise hidden thoughts, whether or not I desire it to do so.
Where are the truly deep people who just want to speak matter of fact, and who want to reason out life with me? I know of no one.
I know depression. And that is a feeling. Waves of confusing emotion overwhelm from time to time. If I meditate while they attack me, I will shake and convulse while I find my middle ground. With the same thoughts I can make my own extremities warm. I am truly an entity in a shell of flesh.
Enjoyment doesn't allude me altogether, either. The greatest joys are the most unbelievably simple things. What is more joyful than marvel and admiration? Awe is perhaps the greatest joy. A drop of water...a leaf...an ant...a magnet...there is so much to awe in these as to spend an eternity lost in my thoughts, far away from the world, and focused on the Creator.
There's family, games, vacations, all of these seem to provide moments of happiness. But even during these times, my overall feeling isn't much different when averaged over the duration. The highest points give me food for contemplation for years to come. And there is a sense of satisfaction in knowing that the shared events help create familial bonding.
But in everyday life, a forced smile is no smile at all. I won't...no, I CAN'T walk on eggshells to avoid offending every person's vast personal ideological minefield. Why should I? Those bombs are not even their REAL selves, but the lies with which they surround themselves to protect their fragile real selves with which they refuse to deal properly.
I just walk right up to them and pluck that oh so sensitive ego, completely disregarding retaliation or my personal reputation as I do so. But what I know is that every pretentious person reacts to me, not the other way around. I control them. I am in charge and they are scarcely aware of it. Nor can they be.
They think I don't know, but I do know. Acting years, decades in advance, I am not just manipulating them, I own them. And none of them will ever know what I've done or how I chose to do it. It will always be my personal secret. And it would frighten many of them to understand that I am perfectly OK with that.
Emotions seem so troublesome and complex. Worse than that, they are entirely untrustworthy. They conflict with my higher self, usually. Any duration of emotions either inflates, or deflates the inner sense of self. They are out of sync with reality...almost always. I think it best to avoid them as much as possible.
Emotions must act as waves on a ship. The ship rides them up and down, but must not be driven or tossed by them. They come from an endless ocean of unseen forces, always driving them at me against my will. Even hating them becomes a dangerous rogue wave of its own, a threat that can't be under estimated.
It's tempting to dock my ship in the harbor, never to face the ever present waves. But doing so means I never go anywhere and never experience the world. Seems unfitting to place such a high expectation on a fragile piece of wood and challenge it to cross such an ocean of human emotion while not expecting it to simply fall apart.
Here I am, out in the middle of who knows where, but pressing hard against the waves. Even fear is a reaction to them, allowing them to take control if I should obey it. There can be no reaction. There can be no emotion inside the ship. Emotions must remain beneath me.
So how do I feel right now? I have no idea.
I'm a guy, so life is kinda simple. If I eat, get enough sleep, spend some time with my wife, and have regular BM's, I am at peace with my body...I guess anyway.
Pretentious people smile all the time. I don't trust them, nor do I understand them. Superficial people laugh and smile while I see through them. But everyone on Earth seems either pretentious or superficial to me. I can't help but see it.
Most of them would rather I keep to myself that I see them as they are. But that makes me the same as them, and I just can't do it. My face will always betray my otherwise hidden thoughts, whether or not I desire it to do so.
Where are the truly deep people who just want to speak matter of fact, and who want to reason out life with me? I know of no one.
I know depression. And that is a feeling. Waves of confusing emotion overwhelm from time to time. If I meditate while they attack me, I will shake and convulse while I find my middle ground. With the same thoughts I can make my own extremities warm. I am truly an entity in a shell of flesh.
Enjoyment doesn't allude me altogether, either. The greatest joys are the most unbelievably simple things. What is more joyful than marvel and admiration? Awe is perhaps the greatest joy. A drop of water...a leaf...an ant...a magnet...there is so much to awe in these as to spend an eternity lost in my thoughts, far away from the world, and focused on the Creator.
There's family, games, vacations, all of these seem to provide moments of happiness. But even during these times, my overall feeling isn't much different when averaged over the duration. The highest points give me food for contemplation for years to come. And there is a sense of satisfaction in knowing that the shared events help create familial bonding.
But in everyday life, a forced smile is no smile at all. I won't...no, I CAN'T walk on eggshells to avoid offending every person's vast personal ideological minefield. Why should I? Those bombs are not even their REAL selves, but the lies with which they surround themselves to protect their fragile real selves with which they refuse to deal properly.
I just walk right up to them and pluck that oh so sensitive ego, completely disregarding retaliation or my personal reputation as I do so. But what I know is that every pretentious person reacts to me, not the other way around. I control them. I am in charge and they are scarcely aware of it. Nor can they be.
They think I don't know, but I do know. Acting years, decades in advance, I am not just manipulating them, I own them. And none of them will ever know what I've done or how I chose to do it. It will always be my personal secret. And it would frighten many of them to understand that I am perfectly OK with that.
Emotions seem so troublesome and complex. Worse than that, they are entirely untrustworthy. They conflict with my higher self, usually. Any duration of emotions either inflates, or deflates the inner sense of self. They are out of sync with reality...almost always. I think it best to avoid them as much as possible.
Emotions must act as waves on a ship. The ship rides them up and down, but must not be driven or tossed by them. They come from an endless ocean of unseen forces, always driving them at me against my will. Even hating them becomes a dangerous rogue wave of its own, a threat that can't be under estimated.
It's tempting to dock my ship in the harbor, never to face the ever present waves. But doing so means I never go anywhere and never experience the world. Seems unfitting to place such a high expectation on a fragile piece of wood and challenge it to cross such an ocean of human emotion while not expecting it to simply fall apart.
Here I am, out in the middle of who knows where, but pressing hard against the waves. Even fear is a reaction to them, allowing them to take control if I should obey it. There can be no reaction. There can be no emotion inside the ship. Emotions must remain beneath me.
So how do I feel right now? I have no idea.
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